One constant thing in my life as a boy, juvenile and man, has always been never thinking things through. I’ve always been this way. From my earliest memories, I’ve acted without having a plan. When I was three I slipped out of the farm house and waddled in a ditch trying to find my mom. I don’t think I was looking for my dad, I’m pretty sure I would have been avoiding him, even at that young age as much as he was avoiding me, more on this later.) I eventually ended up being stuck waist deep in mud in a ditch. Funny how I just realized that this is also a metaphor for my life, that feeling of being stuck in mud. I think it’s because I’ve always taking action without thinking instead of asking for help, especially from women, even though I was looking for my mom in this case. It was my dad that found me. Knowing him he must have come home my mom freaked out and my dad was like, “alright, alright, I’ll find it.”
It was my dad that found me. You’d think being stuck in the mud up to me belly for a couple of hours would be punishment enough. No. I specifically remember being beaten for meandering out into the prairie netherworld. This first lesson was to have a pattern with me and my dad, the whole reacting and acting, taking action without thinking. As a creative type, I’ve always unconsciously lived this way. A lot of men do. We act without thinking. We’re supposed to know what we’re doing, ‘the man of the house, be a man, man up, be a man.” we are being men. We’ve been conditioned to be men, to act, to take action, to be a man. This mindset has always had me cannon-balling into situations without a plan and definitely without thinking how I might impact someone else.
I jumped with both feet into being a drummer without thinking or having a plan, then getting a real world job and marriage and always one foot in front of the other never thinking of the long term consequences. Never. I can’t understand why a man would prey on a woman. I’ve been selfish, stubborn, angry, and completely lost, drunk, depressed and stupid, and all without a plan, just lets see what happens.
Men are conditioned to think but never to feel, not enough. That it’s OK to cry, to admit you’re wrong, to forgive and ask for forgiveness to ask for help, especially if that help is from other men. I’ve learnt being a man means being honest as well as vulnerable. To say how we feel to have the courage to look into your heart and letting that out. The fact that so many powerful men have been preying on women is a slap in the face to the women that were shamed and traumatized by these men but also the legacy of woman being demeaned and brutalized through the centuries. This history is coming to fruition. The abuse of woman in the recent headlines and the untold numbers women through the centuries who’ve been erased and thrown away, all of them now rise up and are forcing men to take notice. There’s a tsunami of female injustice to be reckoned with and all our male excuse, I didn’t know, it’s not me, it’s the way I was raised… no longer mean anything. They’re all a part of the excuse. It has to end now.